Forgiveness is an Abstract Concept

Forgiveness is such an abstract concept. It one of those issues that seem so easy to preach and so hard to follow. There are many readings for one who wants to understand it better. Most of them say forgive and forget to be happy. Really, that’s easy right? The simplest answer to this is No. Forgiveness is very individualistic. Everyday crimes are committed, people are hurt. Some are small and petty others are traumatic and fatal. Victims are counseled about how much better they will feel once they forgive those who committed the sins against them. In fact, it is the expectation of the society that the victim forgives the sinner. It is not the society’s fault either that there lies such an expectation. Crimes of various degrees committed have their own story behind them. Like they say, “One man’s ambrosia is another’s poison”; one man’s crime is another’s job. Mother Nature sees to it that everything balances out. Yet why is forgiveness so hard to achieve. How can you forgive? As I write this, there are various thoughts running in my head. I start to think about the simple mistakes forgiven and the more complex issues I need to address.

Realization is that forgiveness is a truth. One cannot forgive and be forgiven for the same mistakes over and over again. It is a one time only deal. Let me be clearer as to why I referred forgiveness to be an abstract concept. The word forgiveness always brings to mind a picture of the victim peaceful and content uttering the words “I forgive”. Its really not that simple. Firstly there has to be crime committed that has traumatized the victim. Secondly this crime has to be recognized by all persons involved. This is the abstract concept. Many crimes are not easily recognized. 9/11 was an easily recognized crime with thousands of dead and their families as victims and a terrorist group as the offender. People loosing their homes and jobs in 2008 due to toxic mortgage loans is also a crime. We can recognize the victims in this easily. Who is the offender? Is it the CEO’s of banks that processed these loan applications or people who work in these banks or people who approved these loans or are they the victims themselves who applied for these loans knowing the risks of such? Consider a simpler issue; fights between an incompatible husband and wife affecting their entire families, children, parents, in-laws and siblings. Who is the offender, who is the victim? Who is at fault and who do you forgive? Only when such answers can be answered and acknowledged by all persons involved, forgiveness can flow.

If you are searching about forgiveness, then most articles you read explain the benefits of forgiveness. Every religion preaches about this. Forgiveness is the foundation of Christianity. However, none explain what truly forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a process, not a miracle. You cannot forgive someone who does not accept their atrocities against you and is committed to their way. In such a situation, the more you forgive and continue your relationship with your offender the more you will become the offender and less of the victim, because, you are allowing those atrocities against you. It happens willingly. In order for forgiveness to take place you need to first acknowledge that you have become a victim and remove yourself from the hurtful relationship. When you do this, realize that forgiveness does not come immediately. You feel cheated, abused and truly traumatized. Pity follows next and close second to it is fear of loneliness. This may cause you to forget all that has happened to you and make you want to forgive and return. Is this true forgiveness, No, this is fear. The want to return to way things were is so bad, that you are desperate to actually beg for forgiveness so that you can re-enter what you have known for so long.

Fear and forgiveness are complementary. You cannot achieve forgiveness with fear. So, if you leave fear behind, can you achieve forgiveness? Not as simple. Forgiveness is truly abstract. When you do leave fear behind, you realize that is harder to forgive than before. You begin to feel that you were ill-treated and used, victimized in short. You start on a journey of emotions you never expected to feel. You feel angry that you are being forced to deal with what you had not planned. You feel pity that this happened to you. You grieve for what is lost. You want to retaliate and cause the same to your offender. You basically want them to feel what you are feeling. The worst is when they don’t acknowledge your feelings and insist their behavior was faultless. In such a state of mind how do you accept what you have been taught all your life, Forgiveness? This is meaningless at this point. You seek religion and don’t find a clear answer. There are two paths now, you want to pass your hurt so someone can feel what you are feeling becoming an offender or don’t forgive and walk away to a fresh start. Which do you choose? My answer, don’t forgive walk away, sever all ties and let time take over. Let all what you are feeling pass over you. Give yourself time to feel all the emotions of anger and grief. Don’t forgive your offender, just live your life. Find who you are, what you are, what your interests are and give time a chance to heal. One sunny misty morning, or a snowy afternoon or a bathroom break in the middle of the night, suddenly you will realize that forgiveness has followed you and you are no longer tormented by the fact of forgiveness. You did not have to declare to yourself and others that you have forgiven the impossible. It has happened on its own in time. It was truly a process, an abstract concept of an emotional state, not a daily declaration.